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(no subject) [Jul. 10th, 2011|12:59 am]
 i had a beautiful post typed out but then i pressed backspace and it all disappeared i'm crying inside you'll see it in the morning if youarelucky
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(no subject) [Jul. 1st, 2011|12:35 am]
[Current Mood |contemplative]

mmm. i'm hungry.

not for food though. i've been starving for most of my life. for something. something. god knows what. i tried and failed to find solace in music, stereotypes, food, religion, materialism. i stopped quite abruptly between each of these things. i sighed. and then i thought, well fuck. that wasn't what i was looking for. so i turned myself around and kept looking.

so here i am. twenty one. i feel disillusioned, but maybe that's just false hope. i don't trust anything i see anymore. and now i feel like a pretentious asshole. but even they aren't this self-aware, are they? i'm starting to grasp for something now. anything? i don't know. i've stopped caring about things. about so much. i'm content to sit on my ass and watch the world fucking spin without me.

if i ceased to exist right this second, i wouldn't even flinch.

a little morbid, yes. but unfortunately rather sincere. maybe i should take up alcoholism like my dear old parents. then i could join alcoholic's anonymous and finally be a part of something.
sometimes i even surprise myself with my ingenuity. there it is. there's what i've been looking for. acceptance. brotherhood. understanding.

i finally got tired of trying to be like everyone else so people would accept me into their cookie cutter stereotypes. i'm so awfully tired of letting my friends drag me to these stupid hillbilly shindigs. tractor pulls, car shows, gun shows, mudding. and not just those. i'm tired of dressing up and going to bars and getting drunk and being surrounded by all these people who are really the same person with the same vapid personality.
is it really so hard to be yourself? yes. we're constantly told to do so. be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. but only if you're of average height, and skinny, and wear normal clothes and drive a new car and have an iphone and you like to party and you're just like me.
i'm tired of trying to fit stereotypes just so i'll have a social life. i've just stopped caring. if that means i'll be holed up in my room playing elder scrolls and reading harry potter and watching game of thrones alone for the rest of my life, so be it. i'll die happy.
kind of. it's stagnant here. but i've always hated change as it is. i hope depression is a pretty color on me. i feel like i've been wearing it for the majority of my life.
they should make a basement dweller online dating site.
ha. that was a very pathetic statement.
i suppose life was never meant to be easy. maybe i'm just riding the horse backwards. it's probably just because i'm nuttier than squirrel poo. 
sigh. i literally just typed everything i just thought. oh my life.
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(no subject) [Sep. 20th, 2007|05:50 pm]
I hear the Savior say,
“Thy strength indeed is small;
Child of weakness, watch and pray,
Find in Me thine all in all.

Jesus paid it all,
All to Him I owe;
Sin had left a crimson stain,
He washed it white as snow.

Lord, now indeed I find
Thy pow’r, and Thine alone,
Can change the leper’s spots
And melt the heart of stone.

And when before the throne
I stand in Him complete,
I’ll lay my trophies down,
All down at Jesus’ feet.
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(no subject) [Sep. 19th, 2007|11:48 pm]
[Current Mood |rejuvenated]

i met you like a little child, wide eyed and mystified that you could love even me. i'm here to testify that it's been an amazing ride with you, and i have never walked alone. i wanna give you every moment, every minute. it takes a lifetime to know you... the more you show me the more you grow me, the more your glory becomes all there is. and the more i know you the more i need you, the more i love you the more you become to me. i pray that you would keep me mystified. in every way that i would still abide in you, until you come to take me home.

hold me, lord. keep me, draw me closer every moment of my life


god is completely amazing, and i love him more than anything

the lord is my shepherd

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(no subject) [Aug. 28th, 2007|08:02 pm]
im sorry. 

im sorry for messing things up, for leaving. 
im sorry i didn't get to know anyone better. 
im sorry that i tried so hard to get people to like me that i lost myself in the process.
this is weird.

i feel like, i left behind so much potential.
like i wasted.

i ran.
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2005|10:37 pm]

yay because now my layout is officially almost done. all i have to do is create a new community and have people join it.


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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2005|05:15 pm]
under le construuuccction
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