mmm. i'm hungry.
not for food though. i've been starving for most of my life. for something. something. god knows what. i tried and failed to find solace in music, stereotypes, food, religion, materialism. i stopped quite abruptly between each of these things. i sighed. and then i thought, well fuck. that wasn't what i was looking for. so i turned myself around and kept looking.
so here i am. twenty one. i feel disillusioned, but maybe that's just false hope. i don't trust anything i see anymore. and now i feel like a pretentious asshole. but even they aren't this self-aware, are they? i'm starting to grasp for something now. anything? i don't know. i've stopped caring about things. about so much. i'm content to sit on my ass and watch the world fucking spin without me.
if i ceased to exist right this second, i wouldn't even flinch.
a little morbid, yes. but unfortunately rather sincere. maybe i should take up alcoholism like my dear old parents. then i could join alcoholic's anonymous and finally be a part of something.
sometimes i even surprise myself with my ingenuity. there it is. there's what i've been looking for. acceptance. brotherhood. understanding.
i finally got tired of trying to be like everyone else so people would accept me into their cookie cutter stereotypes. i'm so awfully tired of letting my friends drag me to these stupid hillbilly shindigs. tractor pulls, car shows, gun shows, mudding. and not just those. i'm tired of dressing up and going to bars and getting drunk and being surrounded by all these people who are really the same person with the same vapid personality.
is it really so hard to be yourself? yes. we're constantly told to do so. be yourself, be yourself, be yourself. but only if you're of average height, and skinny, and wear normal clothes and drive a new car and have an iphone and you like to party and you're just like me.
i'm tired of trying to fit stereotypes just so i'll have a social life. i've just stopped caring. if that means i'll be holed up in my room playing elder scrolls and reading harry potter and watching game of thrones alone for the rest of my life, so be it. i'll die happy.
kind of. it's stagnant here. but i've always hated change as it is. i hope depression is a pretty color on me. i feel like i've been wearing it for the majority of my life.
they should make a basement dweller online dating site.
ha. that was a very pathetic statement.
i suppose life was never meant to be easy. maybe i'm just riding the horse backwards. it's probably just because i'm nuttier than squirrel poo.
sigh. i literally just typed everything i just thought. oh my life.